1st. May 2001 -- Pete is a friend of mine who always has a few jokes, I started to collect the cleaner ones ...

This is a transcript of an actual radio conversation of a US Naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October 1995. The transcript of the Radio conversation was released by the Chief of Naval operations on the 10th October 1995.

Americans: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision.

Canadians: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the south to avoid collision.

Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy Ship, I say again, divert your course.

Canadians: Number One, I say again, divert your course.

Americans: This is the aircraft carrier USS Lincoln, the second largest ship in the United States Atlantic fleet. We are accompanied by three destroyers, three cruisers and numerous support vessels. I demand that you change your course 15 degrees north. That's one five degrees north, or counter measures will be undertaken to ensure the safety of this ship.

Canadians: This is a lighthouse. Your call.

(No offence intended to Americans, captains or sailors or any kind, but it is funny!).

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Bonomion and Gloucester play a hard, bad tempered game of rugby at Bonomion in West Wales.
The club secretary, sensing the atmosphere was not what it should be, announced that they would play a game of bingo with a difference.
He said that if an English person won the line he would pay out ?100 but that if a Welsh person won the line he would pay out only ?50.
And if an English person won the house he would pay ?500, but if a Welsh person won the house he would pay out only ?250.
This, he thought, would go some way to calming things down.
"Alright," he said "let's play Bingo!. Eyes down .....and your first number is.......un a pump, pymtheg".

(That's 15, by the way)

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DAFT GCSE ANSWERS (teenage school-leaving exams). Part 2
You had better believe it - Genuine answers from GCSE history exams:

Nero was a cruel tyranny who would torture his subjects by playing the fiddle to them.

Joan of Arc was burnt to a steak and was canonized by Bernard Shaw.

Finally Magma Carta provided that no man should be hanged twice for the same offence.

In midevil times most people were alliterate. The greatest writer of the futile ages was Chaucer, who wrote many poems and verses and also wrote literature.

Another story was William Tell, who shot his load with an arrow through an apple while standing on his son's head.

Queen Elizabeth was the "Virgin Queen". As a queen she was a success. When she exposed herself before her troops they ail shouted 'Hurrah".

It was an age of great inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg invented removable type and the Bible.

Sir Waiter Raleigh is a historical figure because he invented cigarettes and started smoking.

Sir Frances Drake circumcised the world with a 100' foot clipper.

William Shakespeare. He was born in the year 1564, supposedly on his Birthday. He never made much money and is famous only because of his plays. He wrote tragedies, comedies and hysterectomies, all in Islamic.


DAFT GCSE ANSWERS (teenage school-leaving exams). Part 1
You had better believe it - Genuine answers from GCSE history exams:

Egyptians were people too, even though they had false gods and pyramids and they all lived in the dessert by the river Nigel. They traveled by chariots and feet and were into bondage.

Ancient Egypt was inhabited by mummies and they all wrote in hydraulics. They lived in the Sarah dessert and traveled by Camelot. The climate of the Sarah Dessert is such that the inhabitants have to live elsewhere.

Stone Hedge was invented by fluids, who wore big cloaks nearly 3,000 years ago.

The Bible was invented by God who, on the 6th day, saw the light and he was happy with it. God also invented man from a spare rib and women from another one that was spare also.

The Bible is full of interesting caricatures. In the first book of the Bible, Guinness, Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. One of their children, Cain, asked "Am I my brothers son ?"

Moses led the Hebrew slaves to the Red Sea. where they made unleavened bread which is bread made without ingredients. Moses went up to Mount Cyanide to get the Ten Commandments. He died before he ever made it to Canada.

Solomon had three hundred wives and seven hundred porcupines. The Greeks were a highly sculptured people, and without them we wouldn't have history. The Greeks also had myths. A myth is a female moth.

Actually, Homer was not written by Homer but by another man of that name.

Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving people advice. They killed him. Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock. After his death, his career suffered a dramatic decline.

In the Olympic Games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled the biscuits and threw the java.
Eventually, the Romans conquered the Greeks. History calls people "Romans" because they never stayed in one place for very long.

Romans wore skirts. cloaks and scandals with mighty large swords, they were a warrior race except the woman who were pasty.

Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul. The Ides of March murdered him because they thought he was going to be made king. Dying, he gasped out "Tee, hee, Brutus".

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Here are a few answers on insurance claims forms, mostly collected for the Norwich Union's Christmas party magazine:

"I started to slow down, but the traffic was more stationary than I thought".

I pulled into a lay-by with smoke coming from under the bonnet. I realized the car was on fire, so I took my dog and smothered it with a blanket".

Q: "Could either driver have done anything to avoid the accident?"
A: "Traveled by bus?".

Q: "What warning was given by you?"
A: "Horn"
Q: "What warning was given by the other party?"
A: "Moo".

"On approach to the traffic lights, the car in front suddenly broke".

"I didn't think the speed limit applied after midnight".

"The car in front hit the pedestrian, but he got up, so I hit him again".

"The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intention".

"To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front, I struck the pedestrian".

"In an attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telegraph pole".

"My car was legally parked, as I backed it into the other vehicle".

"An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished".

"I was thrown from the car as it left the road. I was later found in a ditch by some stray cows".

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A bloke making a final confession to his wife on his death-bed says:
"Dear, I want you to know, before I die, that I have been unfaithful to you three times during our marriage: once with your best friend; once with your sister and once with your mother".
"I know", she said, "that's why I poisoned you!"

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Indian scout reports to Sitting Bull: "Chief! Good news, bad news".
Chief asks: "What bad news?".
Scout replies: "2,000 whitemen over hill!".
"What good news?"
"Taste like buffalo".

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Businessman buys his first Jag.
He's so impressed with this new car that he decides to take it on a speed run.

Doing 150 MPH on the motorway, he is eventually pulled over by the police.
A very happy policeman approaches the car and asks the businessman why he was doing 150 MPH on his motorway, adding that he was off-duty very shortly and was going on the town with his mates that night.

This putting him in a very good mood, he said to the businessman: "If you can give me an excuse I've never heard before for speeding, I'll let you off".
Thinking hard, the businessman replied: "Well, last week, officer, my wife ran off with a traffic cop and I thought you were bringing her back!".